Daily Fool Archive UPDATED
They may be slightly offensive, or even not that funny, but we hope they'll make you smile. Last updated April 25th 2007.
LOW SELF ESTEEM GROUP
WILL MEET THURSDAY AT 7 P.M.
PLEASE USE THE BACK DOOR.
from a church bulletin
ON FATHERS,VERY CARING:
They shouldn't throw at me. I'm the father of five or six kids.
second baseman Tito Fuentes
ON SEMAN SUB,CONFUSING:
YNAPMOC ELIBOMOTUA
LEVART NAMMUY
bus name translated from the Chinese into English and printed on the side of the bus from right to left,like Chinese characters
ON WE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT!?:
SHIN PADS CANNOT
PROTECT ANY PART OF
THE BODY THEY DO NOT COVER.
warning on a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
ON DEFENDANTS WHO PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN THE STAND:
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant,sir?
Defendant: No,sir. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
actual comments in court
ON HOW NOT TO GET THE SENIOR CITIZEN VOTE:
Most people dont have the luxury of living to be 80 years old,so it is hard for me to feel sorry for them.
Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) explaining why he opposed coverage of medical treatment for the elderly
ON SO WHO'S COUNTING?:
There are two ways of getting the ball--one way is from your own players,and that's the only way.
soccer manager Terry Venables
ON HANDS,BAFFLING:
Mike Caldwell,the Padres'
right-handed southpaw,will pitch tonight.
San Diego Padres sportscaster Jerry Coleman
ON WHY SCOTLAND'S POPULATION MUST BE SHRINKING:
The most frightening fact about AIDS is that it can be spread by normal sex between men and women. This is still rare in Scotland.
Scottish Sunday Mail
ON MEMOS,EASY TO FOLLOW:
Subject: Telephones--AGAIN
Importance: High
We have been told by telephone maintenance that the telephones in Bldgs 442 and 440 are completely out with no estimate of when they will be repaired.
PLEASE do not call telephone maintenance for information. Also do not call the Computer Support Center.
e-mail sent within a company from its tech support manager
ON WHO'S COUNTING?:
I have two weapons--my legs,my arm,and my brains.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick
ON REASONS TO GET A TAN:
DEEP-FRIED PRAWNS
WITH SLICED ALBINOS
on a menu at the Hua Ting Hotel and Towers,Shanghai,China
-Casper,you may be in danger!! (Ed--I disagree..)
ON FUNNY,STELLA STARTED SHOWING IN JULY:
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: In what months of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant?
Contestant: September.
ON DADS,DUBIOUS:
The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman someday,like her dad.
from an item in a New Zealand newspaper
ON UHH . . .:
When I was younger,I was pretty spacey. I'd always go off into my own thing. I'd forget important events. So,more recently,I've started to,uhh . . um . . . Oh,sorry . . .
actor Josh Hartnett,in Movieline
ON CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN,PLEASE?:
Once I was deflowered,they weren't interested in me.
President Bill Clinton,explaining how while touring a citadel in India he had been trailed by a fascinated group of monkeys until he took off his flower garland
ON GENDER CONFUSION,PRESIDENTIAL
I want to thank my friend,Senator Bill Frist,for joining us today . . . . He married a Texas girl,I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl,just like me.
President George W. Bush
ON MAYBE YOU SHOULD REPHRASE THAT:
I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm,or we will.
President George W. Bush,speaking about Saddam Hussein
IN America ze cheese it is dead... you put it in little platic body bags and kill it in the refrigorador... in France ze cheese is alive,you don't put your cat in the refrigorador so you don't put your cheese there.
-French Cook
MORAL: Whenever cooking,cats are a good substitute for cheese.
ON CONCLUSIONS WE'VE NEVER DRAWN:
If blood is thicker than water,it must also be thicker than a calendar or a small clock.
children's rights activist Esther Rantzen
ON THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT:
It's not where some people say where the President is,or people who are not even in the government who claim to know where the President is. The President hasn't decided yet where he is. So I think we've been able to put it into perspective.
Secretary of State Colin Powell (thanks to Anne Infante).
ON COUNTRIES,SELF-HATING:
IRAN CLAIMS
SUCCESS IN ITS
ATTACKS ON IRAN
newspaper headline
ON THE JOYS OF RETIREMENT,TYSON STYLE:
I don't know if I still want to fight. . . . I like doing other things now. I like getting high. I like playing with my kids. I like drinking.
Boxer Mike Tyson in the New York Times
ON THANKS FOR THE EXPLANATION:
When it's going,it just kind of goes,and when it's not going,it kind of stops.
Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren
ON FIRST THINGS FIRST:
Let us eat,then we will transplant the brain.
Dr. Frankenstein counseling patience to his assistant in Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell,1974
ON PAINFUL WAYS TO WIN FOOTBALL GAMES:
We just have to keep our heads to the grindstone and keep on grinding.
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper (thanks to Richard Dembrowski)
ON TOUGH TIMES FOR CHEERLEADERS:
We spent week one in Oman at 4 different bases and we got a true behind the scenes look at what it is like to be a soldier. We lived like them--at each base we were bunked in a 12-person tent and slept on cots and had to walk to the public restroom. We roughed it!
on the Miami Dolphins cheerleader site
ON WHAT ABOUT FARMER JOE?:
FARMER BILL DIES
IN HOUSE
newspaper headline about a bill in the U.S. House of Representatives
ON GREAT REASONS TO BUY PROZAC FOR FIDO:
DOGS
FOUND WORRYING
WILL BE SHOT
notice in Henley-on-Thames park,U.K.
GREAT MOMENTS IN TELEVISION BROADCASTING:
3--2--and 1--(pause) Uh--I forgot--was I was just gonna . . . uh,I had a great open . . .
newsman,WTXX-TV,Prospect,Connecticut
ON OH,COME ON:
Interviewer: You struck gold with Good Will Hunting. Are you still writing screenplays?
Actor Ben Affleck: I haven't longed to write a screenplay again. I've been writing stuff just personally for me. Just single-word stuff to get me through the day. Sometimes I'll write down just "root"or "energy."
Unreal magazine
ON SIGNS THAT YOU'D WIN THE ELECTION:
We concentrated heavily on yard signs. And yard signs,particularly,in people's yards. Waukesha County Circuit (Wisconsin) Court judicial winner
Paul Reilly,when asked what were the signs that he would win the race (thanks to Betsy Wurm)
ON RABBIS,A LITTLE FEISTY:
The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
from a synagogue bulletin
ON WHY SO MANY HOTEL ROOMS ARE DARK,WE GUESS:
Family Fortunes host: Name something people take from hotels as a souvenir.
Contestant: The lamps.
ON BUSINESSES THAT MAKE ONE WORRY:
MORTUARY AFFAIRS
AND
FOOD SERVICE
sign outside a business
ON STAYING REAL POSITIVE:
Hey,this isn't over until they beat us tomorrow.
baseball player Cito Gaston,before the Blue Jays'loss to the Twins
ON TALK ABOUT INTERESTING EXTRAS:
MUST SELL: PLYMOUTH
4-DOOR SEDAN,COMPLETE
WITH ACTRESS.
ad in the Philadelphia Inquirer
"SAY THAT AGAIN?"DEPARTMENT:
There are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say,there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know that we don't know.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld,trying to clarify the war on terrorism,during a Pentagon briefing
- Well it kind of makes sense when you think about it...
Insert this into your IM when the typing gets rough:
John Kerry says he should have won.
John Kerry says cow tipping is dangerous,and you could end up in jail.
ON HAIRSPLITTING,ATHLETIC:
I'm not criticizing the referees,but it was a poorly officiated game.
Milwaukee Bucks coach George Karl
ON THINK AGAIN,QWEST:
You don't have to do anything to permit us to use your information. We think that's one reason you trust us.
brochure explaining to Qwest customers that the company will start sharing customer information with other companies within 30 days unless the customer calls to protest. Qwest was not answering its phones. (thanks to Tanya and Mike Maes)
ON WARNINGS,CRUCIAL:
Warning label on a shipment of hammers:
MAY BE HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED.
ON CAUTIONS,ENIGMATIC:
BEWARE OF SAFETY
sign in Suzhou,China
GREAT MOMENTS ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS:
A man trapped in his burning house in Middlesborough has been savaged by two teenage boys. Saved,I should say,by two teenage boys.
ON BOOKS WE DOUBT WILL MAKE THE BEST-SELLER LIST:
Watermark Diseases of the Cricket Bat
actual book title,runner-up for the annual Bookseller magazine "Oddest Title of the Year"award
ON MAYBE WE NEED TO REVIEW THOSE DAYS OF THE WEEK AGAIN,PETE:
I'm not worried about the weekend. I'm worried about Saturday.
tennis star Pete Sampras
ON PUBLISHERS,OH SO KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THE PUBLIC'S TASTE:
It is impossible to sell animal stories in the USA.
publisher's rejection of George Orwell's classic best-seller Animal Farm
ON IS THERE A THIRD CONTESTANT HERE (PLEASE)?:
Radio talk show host: Of what European country is Lisbon the capital?
Call-in contestant: Australia.
Host: Sorry,that's the wrong answer. We'll go to the next caller.
2nd contestant: I was going to say Australia as well. Is it Gibraltar?
from The Breakfast Show,Radio Hallam,Sheffield,U.K.
ON FUNNY,WE ALWAYS TAKE CHICKEN:
Family Fortunes host: Name something people take with them to the beach.
Contestant: Turkey.
ON CELEBRITY NEWS WE'D RATHER NOT KNOW ABOUT:
Elton move is on the john.
newscaster,Channel 7,Chicago,attempting to say "Elton John is on the move"
ON AND FOR THE MAIN COURSE:
A man in Italy was hospitalized after eating 47 teaspoons,3 cigarette lighters,and a pair of salad tongs.
ON 12-INCH-HIGH CD TOWERS
ESSENTIAL WARNING ABOUT
DO NOT USE AS A LADDER
label on 12-inch-high storage rack for compact disks
ON "WHY,YES,IT IS SO SILLY"
I always say --this is so silly-- but I wish there were,like,little boxes at every corner that you could list the thing that speaks to you,like: I love the environment,I want to protect it! I care about animals!
actress Drew Barrymore
ON WHAT ABOUT BAAL?
The Ceylon Place Baptist Church has been sold--but the congregation are still searching for someone to worship.
Eastbourne Herald (UK)
ON FOOD FOR ULTIMATE CARNIVORES
Grilled Maitre d'Hotel
Steamed Children w/Green Onion and Ginger (Half)
Tenderloin of Pork Merchant,Vegetables
menu items from Bali,Hong Kong,and Thai Airways
ON GREAT OPPORTUNITIES FOR A POLITICIAN TO WIN OVER FANS
My favorite part was when the other team scored a football and then we came right back on the next play and scored a football,too.
Maryland lieutenant governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend,commenting on her favorite moment in the Baltimore Ravens Super Bowl victory
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAME SHOW HISTORY
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name an occupation in which you disguise your appearance.
Contestant: Doctor.
ON GEE,WE DIDN'T THINK 'MUSKRAT' WAS THAT OFFENSIVE
The muskrat was taken to the Humane Society,where it had to be euphemized.
from a press release sent to the media by the Wellington County detachment of the Ontario (Canada) Provincial Police (thanks to Deb VanBrenk)
ON COMPLIMENTS THAT DON'T QUITE MAKE IT
Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
soccer star David Beckham
ON WONDER WHAT HER DAUGHTER LOOKS LIKE?
LOCAL WOMAN
DOG SHOW WINNER
headline in Piqua,Ohio,newspaper
ON "AND WE'D THINK,ACTUALLY,YOU'RE OFF THE WALL"
If I was a giraffe,and someone said I was a snake,I'd think,No,actually,I'm a giraffe.
actor Richard Gere
ON WITH AN AD LIKE THIS,WHO COULD RESIST?!?
COME AND BE PREPARED FOR A NERVE-RACKING EXPERIENCE. AN OUTRAGEOUS RIP-OFF ON FOOD AND DRINKS ALL NIGHT LONG.
hotel ad in the Manila (Philippines) Bulletin
ON NOT THE BEST USE OF WORDS
LASER EYE SURGERY,AT AN EYE-POPPING LOW PRICE
ad on Atlanta radio station (thanks to Michael Bastedo)
ON DOES THAT EXPLAIN THE COMBOVER FROM THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD,DONALD?
The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald.
business personality Donald Trump
ON ROMANTIC GIFTS WE'D RATHER AVOID
NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE
headline in the Albuquerque Journal
ON TAKE MY STATE SENATOR,PLEASE!
Do you know why God created woman? Because sheep can't type.
Texas state senator Kenneth Armbrister
ON PATIENTS,PARTIAL
We treated between 70 and 71 people.
Mary Zeigler,assistant director of nursing at Coshocton County Memorial Hospital,quoted in the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch
ON RESUMES,MAYBE A LITTLE BIT REPETITIVE
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
portions of actual resume
ON REALITY SHOWS,PUTTING IN PERSPECTIVE
I can't think of a comparable level of cultural excitement about something since Neil Armstrong landed on the moon in the 1960s.
CBS publicist Gil Schwartz,on the Survivor finale
i can think of a few things...
ON IT SURE ARE INDEED
Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.
President George W. Bush
ON SPORTSCASTING,PSYCHIC
That's twice that has happened in the recent future . . .
racing commentator Murray Walker
american racing commentator.
big surprise there...
ON PRESS RELEASES,PAINFULLY HONEST
Due to popular demand,Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat has not been extended until Friday,February 23.
press release sent to newspapers by the Little London Dinner Theater in Pleasant Grove,Utah
ON MONKS,FOAMING
Male newscaster: And next on News Today . . .
Female newscaster: The use of strychnine to control rabid monks has been okayed.
from a news show,KTVH,Helena,Montana
ON WELL,THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT . . .
We didn't lose,we weren't beaten,we just came in second.
US commentators,after Canadian Donovan Bailey won the 100-meter gold medal at the 1996 Olympics
ON ER,SORRY,NO. HELL.
Game show host William "G"Stewart: Above the entrance to which place do the words "Abandon hope,all ye who enter here" appear?
Contestant: A church?
on the game show Fifteen-to-One (UK)
ON I'D RATHER HAVE ONE GORENG,HOLD THE NAZI
INDONESIAN NAZI GORENG
menu item,At Village restaurant,Hong Kong,from its "Exotic Flavours of the Orient" menu section
ON GEE,THANKS,GILLETTE!
Thank you for telling us about your experience with Gillette cartridges. . . . I would like to arrange to send you none with our compliments.
reply to a complaint letter from the Gillette Company (thanks to Tony and Jean Taffs)
ON SILLY US! AND HERE WE THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD!
Shakespeare is our greatest living writer.
British politician David Milliband,during a radio interview
ON SOLITUDE,A BIT CROWDED
There is Brendan Foster,by himself,with 20,000 people.
sportscaster David Coleman
ON SO THAT'S WHY . . .
Gloucester's full-back Thinus Delport missed their session yesterday because of a thing problem.
in the Gloucester Citizen (UK)
ON GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL BOLDNESS
Q: Would you have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm?
Senator John Kerry (then campaigning for the presidency): You bet we might have.
sigh...
ON SPUD COMPLIMENTS
You're such a little guy though,very petite,like a potato.
from Z-movie classic For Your Height Only (1979),featuring the 3-foot-tall hero Weng-Weng,aka Agent 00
ON CLOCK INSTRUCTIONS,IRREFUTABLE
DUE TO THE PERFECTION OF THE ALARMING MECHANISM,YOU ARE NEVER AWAKE WHEN YOU ARE ASLEEP.
instructions for a Chinese alarm clock
ON C-SECTIONS,LITERARY
On hearing about an acquaintance who had just had a baby:
Did she have a Shakespearean section?
Toronto mayor Allan Lamport
ON THANKS FOR THE INSIGHT,ISAIAH!
A lot is said about defense,but at the end of the game,the team with the most points wins,the other team loses.
basketball star Isaiah Thomas,commentating on an NBA game (Sportscaster Bob Costas replied with just,"Uh . . . well . . . OK.")
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT
SUAVE NATURALS BODY SCRUB COSTS LESS THAN MORE EXPENSIVE BRANDS.
label on Suave Naturals Body Scrub (thanks to Alan)
ON ACTRESSES,WHAT TO DO WITH
HELEN HUNT OFFERED TO CITY
headline from the Penobscot Times (Old Town,Maine)
ON WHY TO PACK HEAT
Under the mayor's proposal,anyone caught without a registered handgun would be sentenced to a year in jail.
on Good Morning America
ON HOSPITALS,TYPICAL
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
recorded on a hospital medical chart
ON STUDENTS WHO HAVE BEEN KEPT BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN . . .
There is a group of students that have been going to school in the state of Arkansas since the turn of the century . . .
Louisiana state representative Pinky Wilkerson,during a debate in the state legislature
ON DVD LINER NOTES,QUITE USEFUL
The Swarm--Monsters by the millions,and they are all for real! Excel to take the director of the disaster condition the text,once the successfully be responsible for the Neptunian number and skyscraper conflagration of a the action in the drama part,and have to feel the elephant of the public soul with result,have the authentic fact conduct and actions the basis,persons the details that match wits also there is certain science can't he stunt of the letter,high also increased then that penetrate everywhere.
DVD liner notes,Taiwan
ON JOB CANDIDATES,DEADLY
My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Typing Speed: 756 wpm.
portions of actual resumes
ON WE THINK IT'S KINDA OBVIOUS,GUYS . . .
WE THINK RAIN CAUSED THE FLOODS,SAYS THAMES WATER
headline in the Newbury and Thatcham Chronicle (UK)
ON DESCRIPTIVE LANGUAGE,VISCOUS
Danger is oozing from every vessel in his body.
radio sports commentator
ON JAPANESE BOUTIQUES,UNFORTUNATE IMAGERY
VIOLENCE BOUTIQUE
name of a Japanese clothing store
ON AND HERE WE THOUGHT HE WAS JUST A STAR
Big Quiz host Steve Wright: Which comet was last seen in 1986?
Contestant: Robin Williams
ON PRESIDENTIAL BOASTS,PECULIAR
BUSH TEAM PRAISES ITSELF ON CORPORATE CORRUPTION
from the Philadelphia Inquirer
ON NEWSPAPER CORRECTIONS,BOTTOM LINE ON
IN HINDSIGHT (SO TO SPEAK),WE WISH WE HADN'T WRITTEN "BIG BUTTS" IN THAT PARTICULAR PIECE.
correction in the Des Moines Register,referring to an editorial about Kraft Foods' healthy-eating campaign
ON TRY IT AGAIN
Today Lesbian forces invaded . . . no,sorry,that should be Lesbianese.
TV newscaster during a news report in the UK,on a Lebanese conflict
ON YES,YOU ARE
This is lap 26,which,unless I'm very much mistaken,is halfway through this 58-lap race.
american racing commentator Murray Walker
ON BUT DO THEY COME WITH A MODEM?
SUPER SOFT COMPUTERIZED SOCKS
from an advertisement in India
ON AT LEAST THEY'RE OPEN ABOUT IT . . .
SPECIALIST FRAUD PANEL FIRM based in West End require experienced paralegals to assist in the preparation of several major frauds.
help-wanted ad in the Law Society Gazette
ON 12-INCH-HIGH CD TOWERS,ESSENTIAL WARNING ABOUT
DO NOT USE AS A LADDER
label on 12-inch-high storage rack for compact disks
ON "WHY,YES,IT IS SO SILLY"
I always say-this is so silly-but I wish there were,like,little boxes at every corner that you could list the thing that speaks to you,like: I love the environment,I want to protect it! I care about animals!
actress Drew Barrymore
ON WHAT ABOUT BAAL?
The Ceylon Place Baptist Church has been sold-but the congregation are still searching for someone to worship.
Eastbourne Herald (UK)
hey I'd do it (Ed -- I vote golden cow)
ON FOOD FOR ULTIMATE CARNIVORES
Grilled Maitre d'Hotel
Steamed Children w/Green Onion and Ginger (Half)
Tenderloin of Pork Merchant,Vegetables
menu items from Bali,Hong Kong,and Thai Airways
ON WE'RE NOT WITH YOU THERE,ALLAN
It's like pushing a car uphill with a rope.
Toronto mayor Allan Lamport
ah,canadians...
ON SPRING,STRANGE
Where the birds are blooming and the flowers are chirping.
line from actual car commercial,advertising a spring sale (thanks to Andrew)
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Something Russia's famous for.
Contestant: Russians.
ON JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE . . .
Q: What was the best thing you read all year?
Singer Justin Timberlake: You mean like a book?
in a Rolling Stone interview
ON MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIRST FOCUS ON ENGLISH?
We need to hire people who speak Hispanish because Hispanic is an important language.
Maryland lieutenant governor Kathleen Kennedy Townsend,when running for governor
ON WE BET YOU NEVER SAW THIS SUBTITLE BEFORE
NO! I SAW A VOMITING CRAB.
English subtitle in a Hong Kong kung-fu movie
ON EXCUSED!
Attorney: You live in the city?
Juror: Yes.
Attorney: Length of residence?
Juror: 50 by 100 feet.
actual courtroom dialogue (thanks to Trevor C. Jones)
GREAT IDEAS ON WHAT STARVING PEOPLE IN ETHIOPIA MIGHT NEED
Ally Hilfiger (star of reality show Rich Girls): Maybe we could do something a bit more interesting (to raise money). Like a quilt-making thing to send dresses down there.
Friend: Yeah,and think of the therapy they need as well.
ON GENDER CONFUSION,PRESIDENTIAL
We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent,and a mom or a dad.
President George W. Bush
I think every time the man speaks,the collective IQ of the nation decreases.
ON "ON SECOND THOUGHT,WE'LL TAKE A BOAT"
JAS AIRLINES: AKITA TO OKINAWA NON-STOP FRIGHT
from an ad for JAS airline
ON GAME SHOW MOMENTS,UNBELIEVABLE
DJ,during a radio quiz segment: What is the nationality of the Pope?
Contestant: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
ON TRIBUTES,NOT SO HOT
We lost a big void.
attributed to pitcher Roger Clemens,then a Red Sox player,expressing his feelings on the death of team owner Jean Yawkey
ah,clemens...
ON AUTHORS,APPROPRIATE
Land Speed Record by
Cyril Posthumus,1971
The Imperial Animal by
Lionel Tiger and Robin Fox,1972
The Boys Own Aquarium by
Frank Finn,1922
ON SAYINGS,SCRAMBLED
We kind of had the wool pulled out from under us.
former premier of British Columbia William Vander Zalm
ON YOU SHOULD HEAR WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT "TERPSICHOREAN"
Tempo. Now there's a big word . . .
soccer player turned television commentator Barry Venison
ON THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE GOOD DIALOGUE!
That doesn't sound like a house! That sounds like a dog!
terrified actor in horror classic The Blob (1958) (thanks to Marc Campasano and Jon Fuller)
ON WARNING LABELS,USEFUL
DARDEVLE FISHING LURE: HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED
warning label on fishing lure
ON "I DIDN'T INHALE,"VARIATIONS ON
I don't own an SUV. . . . The family has it. I don't have it.
then Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry,when asked on Earth Day if he owned a gas-guzzling SUV
ON GAME,VICIOUS
DEER AND TURKEY HUNT FOR DISABLED PEOPLE
from the Newark,Ohio,Advocate
ON STARBUCKS THESE AIN'T
PLACEBO LABOR HANDBAG COFFEE SHOP
MANUAL BIRTH PET COFFEE SHOP
coffee shops,Nagasaki,Japan
ON POINTS,EXCELLENT
A sound bite never buttered a parsnip.
British prime minister John Major
ON BIBLICAL ANALOGIES,PRETTY PORE
The Fire of God's love burns out the sin the same way the hot steam routs the dirt out of your pores.
from the teen bible Revolve--intended to appeal to teen girls
*sigh*
ON DEFENDANTS WHO WE'RE PRETTY SURE SHOULDN'T TESTIFY
Defense Attorney: Are you sure you did not enter the 7-11 on 40th and Northeast Broadway and hold up the cashier on June 17 of this year?
Defendant: I'm pretty sure.
actual comments taken from court records
ON UNIQUENESS,NOT UNIQUE
The lead car is absolutely unique,except for the one behind it which is identical.
racing commentator Murray Walker
ON ACTRESSES WE 'D RATHER NOT HAVE OVER
[Houseplants] are dirrty. If I have to touch one,after already being repulsed by the fact that there is a plant indoors,then it just freaks me out.
actress Christina Ricci
GREAT GAME SHOW MOMENTS
Broadcaster: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.
during an on-air Bob Hope Birthday Quiz
ON COASTLINES,DRY
Valencia will be hosting the next America's Cup. This is because Switzerland,who won it last time,has no sea round its coastline.
newscaster Tim Durrant
ON "ON SECOND THOUGHT,LET'S GET THE SHRIMP"
BAY SCALLOPS FRESHLY SUCKED
from an A&P supermarket flyer,New Jersey
ON "AH,THAT CLEARS IT UP"
an unsolicited real time qualifying credit promotion: a real time qualifying credit promotion which is not a solicited real time qualifying credit promotion
definition from British Financial Services Authority
CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT
I don't know. A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof and when you have a good proof is because it's proven.
Canadian prime minister Jacques Chretien,when asked what proof he would need of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (thanks to Barrie Drain)
ON LINKAGE,ODD
GOD BLESS AMERICA BUY A PUMPKIN
sign outside a church in Atlanta,Georgia (thanks to Shaye Sauers)
ON JUDGES,A LITTLE TOO PERSEVERING
Judge: I know you,don't I?
Defendant: Uh,yes.
Judge: All right,how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge,do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course. You might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
recorded in court testimony
ON ANSWERS,VERY STUPID
Game show host Jim Lange: Give me the definition of the word "innuendo."
Woman #1: Unending.
Man #1: Uh,that's the capital of Greece.
Woman #2: It's an Italian pastry.
Man #2: The end of the end.
Woman #3: Something that happens in bed.
Man #3: I know that one. It's a Greek suppository.
ON SEE,MARION,IT'S KINDA THEIR JOB...
What right does Congress have to go around making laws,just because they deem it necessary?
Washington,D.C.,mayor Marion Barry
ON LETTER IDENTIFICATION PROBLEMS,CONTESTANTS AND
Weakest Link host Anne Robinson: What word beginning with "A"is another name for the white of an egg?
Contestant: Yolk.
CARE TO REPHRASE THAT DEPARTMENT
Female TV news anchor to male weatherman,regarding snowfall amounts:
Where's that six inches you promised me last night?
on a Nebraska news show (thanks to Stu Roach)
ON FORGIVE US,BUT WE'RE NOT QUITE GETTING YOUR POINT,BOBBY
When it rains,it snows.
Florida State University football coach Bobby Bowden
ON MISTAKEN IDENTITY PROBLEMS,ALL TOO TYPICAL
Mario Orsini,73,faces assault charges for shooting and wounding his brother,Donato,66,after mistaking him for a woodchuck,police said.
from a USA Today story
ON THOSE ALL TOO FREQUENT ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME MOMENTS
You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times.
Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor,after being chosen to start in an exhibition game (thanks to Rachael Gladys and Daniel Durschlag)
ON RESEARCHERS,WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?
AS WORLD FISH STOCKS DECLINE,RESEARCHERS TURN TO AN UNTAPPED RESOURCE: WOMEN
headline in Future Harvest magazine
ON OK,WE WON'T ANYMORE
Warning on a bottle of hair coloring:
DO NOT USE AS AN ICE CREAM TOPPING
ON PROBLEMS,DEFINITIONAL
Tech-support staffer: Type http://...
Caller: It didn't work.
Tech support: Ok,read me the address you typed.
Caller: H-T-T-P-C-O-L-O-N--
Tech support: No,no. Colon. On the keyboard.
Caller: What?
Tech support: Do you know what a colon is?
Caller: Of course I do. I am a doctor.
ON CHOIRS,NOT THAT POLITE
The pastor will preach his farewell message,after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
in a church bulletin
ON KINDA MISSING THE POINT
We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech!
Dr. Kathleen Dixon,director of Womens'Studies at Bowling Green State University,Ohio,commenting on the resignation of Dr. Richard Zeller,who wanted to teach a course in how liberalism has led to political correctness
ON BUSINESSES THAT APPARENTLY DON'T RESPECT THEIR EMPLOYEES
NOW HIRING TWO FRENCH DIPS FOR TWO DOLLARS
ign at an Arby's in North Bend,Washington
ON STRAWS,MORE REWARDING THAN YOU EVER DREAMED!
FRESH
Let's try homeparty fashionably and have a joyful chat with nice fellow.
Fujinami's straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly.
Flexible straws which we can bend freely are very convenient for us.
slogans on the box of Fresh flexible straws,Japan
ON OVAL OFFICE INSIGHTS
Even the President is not omnipotent. Would that he were. He often says life would be a lot easier if it were a dictatorship.
White House budget director Joshua Bolton,on George W. Bush
(He added that Bush is actually "glad it's a democracy.")
ON SOMETHING'S A LITTLE WRONG HERE...
You should not leave someone's ashes on a doorstep,whether they are deceased or not.
funeral director Tom Bull
ON CONGRESSIONAL THREATS,SERIOUS
If you don't get those cameras out of my face,I'm gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that'll clear this room!
Congressman James Traficant,to photojournalists covering his House ethics subcommittee hearing
ON IT DEPENDS WHAT THE MEANING OF "FOREVER" IS
I think when you get married it should be forever. Even though I did get married once and it was annulled.
singer Courtney Love
ON WHIZBANG PROMOTIONAL IDEAS
FREE SHIPPING WITH ANY PURCHASE WHEN YOU PICK IT UP AT THE STORE.
BestBuy.com
ON WELL,WE WOULDN'T BE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT THEN
Reporter: Do you have any concerns about opening your NBA season in Tokyo?
LA Clippers forward Bobby Simpson: Well,I don't like Chinese food.
(thanks to Richard Oberholzer)
ON SPORTS SIGNALS WE'D RATHER NOT SEE
He signals to the bench with his groin.
sports analyst Mark Bright
ON SHEEP,BOVINE
Game show host Richard Madeley: It stands in a field and it shouts moo.
Contestant: A sheep.
on the game show You Say,We Pay
『It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.』 - Albert E.
